Permission to Grieve

Grief. I looked up the definition. It means “deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death”. That’s what I feel right now. Deep Sorrow.

Last Thursday we said goodbye to our precious Oreo. Our 10 year old miniature Parti-poodle. Our “Puppy”.  When he showed up on our doorstep 8 years ago, we didn’t realize he would take up a permanent place in our home and hearts, but he did. And I will probably tell that story in the future…

But today, I am struggling. Struggling with the incredible sadness I feel right now. Kicking myself for not being able to focus on life and everyday chores. And wondering – is this NORMAL?

Guess what! It IS. It’s completely normal. This little fur-baby was a member of our family. His absence is confounding.

Puppy was part of my everyday routine. I got up in the mornings and he was usually the first interaction I had. I would grab myself a drink and some cream cheese out of the fridge so that I could give him his morning medications. He would sit at my feet, excited, and wait – because he liked anything with cheese. Some days we wouldn’t jump straight out of bed, but instead we would flip on the TV and lay under the covers and snuggle. Bedtime was also a routine. The sound of the lid coming off the treat jar brought all four of the fur-babies to my feet. Peyton and Brooke would get their treats and head off into their crates. Lola got hers and went to her spot on the floor on my side of the bed. Puppy was special. He was the only one allowed to sleep in our bed – or more like, we were allowed to sleep in his bed. 🙂 He would jump on the bed and settle in to his spot with his half of a large meaty milk bone treat.

Last night, I had an extra half treat left over. And I cried.

Last night, as I ran my bath, there was an empty space on the bathroom floor in front of the heater. And I cried.

Last night, I settled in to the bed and lay there looking at the empty space next to my husbands legs. And I cried.

I cried myself to sleep.

This morning, I woke up and I wondered if I this feeling was normal. So I started reading. I looked up information about pet loss on the internet. And it helped because I found out others felt the same way.

Puppy wasn’t “just a dog”. He was a living, breathing, four-legged member of the family. And unlike my kids who are both grown, he relied on one of us to provide his daily needs. He was always happy to see us. He knew when I was feeling unwell, or sad because he would jump in my lap and lay his head on my shoulder. Or hop on the bed and lay his head on my pillow next to me.

So today, I give myself Permission.

Permission to grieve the loss of a loved one.

Permission to feel sadness, sorrow, emptiness.

Permission to look at ALL the photos.

Permission to not feel guilty because I’m not being as “productive” as I could be.

I didn’t just lose a pet. He was my constant companion. My best friend. My little fur-boy. My world was his world. His time in my world is over and my world will never be the same. And I know that the pain will subside and one day I will not feel the intense sadness, but today I do.